And just like that she looked different to me. As if while I was sleeping my brain moved her name to a different file. Instead of “goofy friend from college” she was suddenly labeled “mom.” I can’t really explain it, to me she was someone new. Like all the time I had known her she’d only been half full; and with her daughter now sleeping peacefully beside her it was as if she had all the love she’d ever need. It was an endless source she drew from with every breath. It was so packed into her soul it was as if she’d  burst right in front of me smearing the wall with more love than I would ever know. How jealous I secretly was of her. She’d seemed to suddenly have found her purpose. Her wheels were now fused like those of a train to a determined path that she was so willing to blindly follow. I’ve never thought I needed or wanted to tie myself to someone else for life. But watching my friend who I’ve only ever seen half full, so over run with love and happiness I began to wonder what my life was missing. Would I ever know what that felt like? Will I ever even know what a fraction of that feels like? Or am I going to be on the other side of the camera for the rest of my life?

chandler

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