Hey little girl, why can’t you sleep?

How exactly do we do this? No, seriously I’m asking. How exactly are we all suppose to do this…life thing? It’s this giant fog that hangs over our entire beings and it is all at once amazing, hard, miserable, and bright. And what’s so mind-warping about all of it is that we all think that everyone else has it figured out; that they’ve already jotted everything down and we’ve completely forgotten our pen.

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I’ve always been over in the corner doing my thing. I try my hardest to remind myself how exciting and thankful I should be to be standing at the cross roads of my early twenties. I have several directions that I could take my life in. This is humbling considering I’ve been many places across this globe where girls my age never had a choice, their fate was always decided for them–written in stone by those that came before her. How lucky am I to be able to freely turn against everything planned for me. Even from the things that I plan for myself.

But that’s where the contrary facts come into play. I have so many options that I have frozen in fear of making the wrong decision. Life is short. Life is long. Which is it? Do I have the time to do everything that I want to do or am I going to have to chose one path and follow it to the bitter end?

My friends are getting married, they’re settling into full-time jobs, they’re bringing life of their own into this world. And I spent most of my nights pant-less, alone, drinking and sinking into an abyss. And people say “there’s nothing wrong with that” and “good for you” and “there’s still time for you.”

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And none of this helps.

Because regardless if it’s okay or if everyone feels like this–what matters to me is that I feel I am wasting my life away. “This is just temporary” everyone says to me. Well temporary madness is still madness. And I am going crazy.

 

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But for reasons practical I’m chained to my current position destined to die in this cage that I’ve made for myself. And no amount of drinking and activities to pass the time can make me forget how much I’d rather chew off my own arm than stay behind these bars any longer.

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That may be a bit extreme but I just wish someone would run up to me tap me with a fairy wand and bang some sense into my head. Fill me with a purpose and a destination. And for the love of god give me a push in the right direction.

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2 thoughts on “Hey little girl, why can’t you sleep?

  1. You’re not alone. I’ve realized that our perception of others being optimally fulfilled is sort of a sham. We’re all empty and anxious and looking for the meaning of our lives. You are not alone.

    Like

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